In My Preadolescent Eyes
The breath of the night surrounded me as I stood motionless and alone. I was positioned on top of a pile of dead leaves and branches, terrified to shift any inch of my body. My imagination was stimulated to an extreme where every noise suggested danger. The smell of evil reeked around me. I felt the icy drop of sweat on my face, which crawled down my right cheek. My cheek which was flushed. Burning hot. Scorching red. My chest felt sore, hardly capable of taking a proper breath. Another drop of ice then crawled down my cheek, but this time the liquid particle was thinner. It was a tear drop.
My senses were amplified; sounds which used to be barely noticeable seem to shatter my ear drums now. The spider webs which swept against my arm triggered a shiver in my spine. With difficulty, I took a step forward but felt like I was trapped in a net. Trapped in a net or better so a nightmare where I just want to awaken. Simple shadows from the trees transformed into menacing monsters. Just like the ones that used to live in my closet.
Stars floated in the dark night sky, like eyes inspecting me. I feel nervous. Worried. Uneasy. It seemed like the worms in the soil were making more noise than the steam train which used to blast past my cottage, back at home. Many thoughts pierced into my mind, but they didnít stay long enough to develop. As I recognized one sound, one movement, another one approached me.
The sourness in my stomach reached my mouth. The unpleasant taste of bitterness. I craved for company. Anyone. Anything. Stuck in a terrifying place which I didnít think I could escape. My hands trembled. My body frozen. Afraid to breath in this air. The smell of the unique forest which I would have enjoyed smelt like poison.
Scared to death. My mind not in control of my body anymore. I drift away from my thoughts. Moving with no control. Distancing myself from my emotions. Using my natural instinct. That was the feeling of being lost. But I was determined to find my place here.
My aim in this paragraph, is to create a character. I was looking to create one which is scared and alone in a forest at night. A young boy who is lost but manages to get on his feet and do something despite how terrified he is.
Firstly, I concentrated on the five senses: sight, smell, touch, sound and taste. He sees nearly nothing, the darkness enfolds him. The breath of the night surrounds me. He smells nearly nothing. His senses are starting to become numb. He thinks it is poison. His touch is the most powerful sense at this point. He feels his sore chest, the drop of ice, and the spider webs against his arm. Sounds are distorted, amplified. His taste is something unreal, something in his mind only.
In this piece, I tried to vary my sentence lengths. The majority of the sentences are quite long but I cut it down to one worded sentences such as worried. uneasy. anyone. anything. I think this gives an effect as it makes the writing rhythmic, and highlights the words which are singled out. Making it more obvious to the reader what I am trying to put in spotlight.
I used comparison with his surrounding at that moment and how it was like back home. Comparing the silhoutte of the trees to the monsters his closet and the worms in the soil to the sound of the loud steam train. I think †that by mentioning the monsters in the closet, it suggests how old the boy is. The reader can guess that he is fairly young as he still believes in monsters Ė which happen to be entirely fictional.
Phrases were included in my paragraph which were not complete possible but with a little imagination are possible. Such as, the smell of evil. I find this quite effective as it is not an ordinary, everyday saying.