My bones ached I don’t know how long I had been crouched here keeping perfectly still any movement could be my last. I was returning from the jungle with firewood when I saw him. Roger had his spear pointed down to the earth torturing a small shrew. He had killed Piggy. If I interrupted I could meet the same fate so I hid. So now I am trapped. The jungle looms behind me and a madman stands in front. Fear engulfs me. Any moment I could be discovered. I don’t want to die.
My bones creak like rusty hinges and the sound, although no more than a whisper, was deafening to my ears. It threatened to betray me, to give my position away to the enemy. My heart was racing: every beat an explosion in my chest. I prayed for a miracle as tears began to swell up in my eyes. As the tears ran down my face they mixed with my sweat. they traced long salty trails down my back. Roger knocked the creature onto it back and tried to pin it down with his spear. How could he be so cruel as to toy with an innocent creature?
From the very pit of my heart a new emotion cut through the fear like a knife. A pure unstoppable rage surfaced within me. He is all alone. He doesn’t look so tough. I’d be doing the island a favour. I could just sneak up behind him and…WHAT AM I THINKING. I couldn’t fight him, doubt filled my thoughts, I can barely lift the firewood. I am weak. I have been crouched here seconds maybe even less than that yet it feels like an eternity. Every muscle feels as though its been locked in the same position since the dawn of time. If I feel so much pain from such simple tasks how could I ever be strong? I could try to call for help but camp was still a long way away. Nobody would come. Plus any attempt at signalling others would immediately alert Roger.
The wind changed direction. The breeze now blew onto my face. It was cool but did little to relieve the pain that still arched its way through my arms. The shrew’s time was up roger was getting bored. Roger was preparing for the final blow I could not watch. I closed my eyes so I would not have to witness this monstrous act.
Then ,as if a message
from above, the sky flash and thunder bellowed around us. Taken off guard roger
dropped his spear and the shrew vanished. It was so sudden I let out a cry but
any noise I was making was drowned out by the sheer magnitude of the thunder.
The escape of the shrew was not acceptable by Roger’s standards. He began
thrashing the ground with his spear in a vain attempt to find the animal. He
was distracted and I could easily make a break for camp but I was frozen. No
matter how I willed my muscles they would not answer my final desperate plea.
As I willed them to go on in the silence something was not right. The silence. The deathly silence.
Should there not be the thrashing of
I end the first line saying “any
movement could be my last” in order to create straight from the first line a
sense that it was a life threatening situation my character was in even though the
reader has no idea what the situation is. When describing what Roger is doing
to the shrew I use the word “torturing” this is to show his cruelty. I feel
torturing is a very strong word and really sets
I use “the jungle looms” to show fear in my character although the jungle isn’t really all that frightening to him it is showing he is a coward. The line “fear engulfs me” I made short so that it was powerful but it also shows how small and powerless my character is as fear washes over him. The sound of my characters bones “creaking” is said to be very quite but to my character it is “deafening” this shows that he is nervous any small thing he does seems to him extremely worse as it may have revealed him to Roger. The noise was “threatening to betray me” because it was my character who made it so it was himself giving him away to the “enemy”. “Tears began to swell up in my eyes” Just reinforces the idea he is afraid to the point of crying however he knows he cannot or he risks being found.
I try to show that my character may have a hidden side that he could be brave but he’s not mature enough to know it. To show this I have him making almost a plan of what he’ll do to beat Roger “sneak up behind him” he is on the verge of going through with this plan when doubt creeps back into his thoughts. I show that he is now doubtful by taking the list of why he should fight Roger “he’s alone” “id be doing the island a favour” but now instead of reasons to fight him reasons against “I couldn’t fight him” “I am weak”. In the same way he was psyching himself up to fight he is now psyching himself out of it. I use the plan of “signalling others” for help to show how deep his fears were. He was afraid no matter what he tried he would be discovered and even though help would be on his way he would have to face Roger and that terrified him. I used the “breeze” to show the pain he was in the breeze against him was cool but it was little relief from the intense pain he was feeling.
When the lightning strikes and the shrew escapes I show Roger “thrashing” to show that he is enraged but the slightest that upsets him. It also shows his power the way he’s attacking the ground itself. I show my character as being “frozen” in place to intensify his fear he has the perfect distraction Roger probably wont notice him, he’s free. However there is still the slightest chance Roger will see him and that overwhelms him the smallest chance scares him to the point he cannot move. The sentence “The silence” although not technically a sentence is made as short as possible so it appears to be a realisation of what is not right about the scene. I then go on to say “the deathly silence” to show now that he knows what the silence is he realises the possible consequence of it to him. The silence is deathly as me soon be to. The story ends with the character taking “what I hoped would not be my last” breath showing that the character is so afraid he immediately assumes the worst.